Reading and acting upon relevant tips in the previous article can go a long way to preventing failure. You may think up some more tips of your own, according to your own situation.
If you are tackling a project alone, a key question to ask yourself is:
What do I need to do here? Then draw on your list. For example check that your goal is appropriate and realistic for you at this time, and go over your planning, resources, focus and mindset for starters.
The main thing is to be aware and focused and not just do stuff without much thinking.
If you are working in a team with others, or one other person –
Then ask: what do I have to get done by others? Again, draw on your list. In both situations communication with others about timeline, resources, goals and plans is vital. Keep the communication channels open always.
A very good idea is to have a “pending” file or chart. Sometimes we have to rely on others for information, resources, or answers for the project. Those questions go on the pending file until you get the answers you require. This way you don’t forget about the details.
Keep a calendar, devise a protocol for action, and a running sheet with all action required to progress the job written down, together with the deadlines for that task.
I have lists for the day to day things I have to do involving house, garden, social life etc. and another list for my business so that I can keep track of everything.
There are many ways of ensuring that you don’t stuff up with a project, but the most important is the one I want to talk about next – your mindset and emotional state.
It’s the mind that matters!
I went to a workshop years ago and the speaker said something I have never forgotten.
“Focused thoughts are strong thoughts, and scattered thoughts are weak thoughts”
That is most important because all the tips in the world for succeeding won’t work if your mind is all over the place and your thinking is unfocused and ineffective.
Emotions play a big part in your mind being scattered – remember the student who ran away from the exam – her mind was not focused on what she was supposed to be doing. Her emotions, and the fear about the situation had taken over and scattered her thoughts.
From my psychology practice I have many proven ways to tackle what we call “Emotional Reasoning”, where people feel a certain way, and begin to think that the thoughts attached to those feelings are real. Well the thoughts are real enough, but the “facts” are constructed emotionally and this can lead you astray.
For example if I come into the reception of the office where I work and the receptionist does not acknowledge me I may feel hurt, or angry, or humiliated, and think that she does not like me or value me.
So I go into my room and get myself upset, wondering what I have done to make her treat me that way. I can get more and more upset, because I am thinking emotionally, and think that I must have done something bad for her to treat me in this way. This type of thinking may have repercussions in myself, or with others.
But let’s say I go out to reception and the receptionist looks up and says “Oh, hello, I didn’t see you come in, how are you?”
What then do we make of this situation?
Well, obviously I have not been thinking objectively about the situation. Let’s look at the facts.
Maybe I didn’t say hello to her at first because she looked busy and I didn’t want to interrupt her. But then she doesn’t acknowledge me when I passed, and I take this personally “I must have done something wrong”
Do I have any evidence for this?
No, I’m just doing a spot of unhelpful emotional reasoning!
From this example you can see how easily misunderstandings can happen if we are not thinking objectively and rationally.
Maybe we have been doing this all of our lives and don’t know we are doing it. Perhaps a lot of the people we know do it also, and that does not help us be aware of it as being unhelpful.
Many people think like this and distress themselves unnecessarily. They jump to conclusions.
Getting back to the quote on strong thoughts being focused and weak thoughts being scattered, there is nothing like emotions in the mix to scatter your thoughts, because according to the type of emotion – hurt, angry, humiliated or anxious, you will have the accompanying thoughts, and most of them are not helpful.
It’s all quite normal however, just not very helpful.
So how to change, and prevent ourselves falling apart if we fail?
First of all it pays to look at our beliefs, and what we are demanding.
Are we perfectionists? Do we have a demand that others must acknowledge us in a certain way or it’s terrible?
Give up being perfect, no one is. Write a list of things you have to have “just perfect”. Think if you can accept less than perfection and change your attitudes and habits attached to these things.
Do we have a demand that we must be top in the exam, or at least do very well, otherwise it’s terrible?
It would be great if you did top the exam, but it’s not terrible if you don’t.
Do we have a demand that all the others in a team must behave in a way that we want, otherwise we will refuse to work with them?
Give up trying to control the behaviour of others, we can’t.
I talked to a mother about her son’s exam results. He achieved 99% but she wasn’t happy and complained, “We know he could do better”!
And there is the bumper sticker “If you come second you’re a loser!”
Being second is not being a “loser”. You are up there with the best.
It’s no wonder that we feel that we have failed when faced with these beliefs.
Try to catch yourself thinking irrationally, otherwise you will never be a “success” because you will just set the bar higher each time, and continually distress yourself.
Think of the consequences of some of these beliefs and demands
Because we believe and demand that our essay be perfect (and we have decided that it isn’t) we don’t put it in for marking, or we procrastinate and put it in late every time.
Does this sort of behaviour help you feel successful? Probably not as you are likely to put yourself down for being late with your essay or in deep despair because you didn’t get it marked at all.
Because we believe that we are not good at public speaking, (and we must be) we avoid doing this, and therefore we can’t “fail”.
Wayne Gretzky says that “You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”.
One way that people self-sabotage is by comparing themselves unfavourably with others. It’s OK to compare yourself with others so long as you learn something from them, or the situation. But be wary of comparing yourself and then convincing yourself that you are not as good and then putting yourself down.
When faced with a task, prepare carefully, get all the help you can, and have a go. I find that people are not out to “get” you, and you will survive.
Because we are holding onto a belief that we are plain looking or not handsome (and we must be), then we will avoid other people and don’t expect to be invited out on a date. We may not look them in the eye, or smile, and that is not a good look.
Comparing yourself with the best of the best models will very likely make you feel miserable, so stop it! Accept yourself just as you are, you are a worthwhile human being, and a smile makes everyone look beautiful.
All of these beliefs create the fear of failing. We then create in our mind the consequences of failing, and how terrible that would be.
The consequences are the things we are really afraid of. What will happen, what people will think of me, and the thought that you can’t cope, and other similar thoughts.
I have a firm belief that everyone should fail at something (insignificant) at least once a day, so they understand that they can fail and the sky doesn’t fall in. They will also know they can cope with the fail or the mistake because most of the time it’s no big deal. We make it a big deal by thinking of all the fearsome things that will happen if we don’t succeed in the way we are demanding we should.
I’m not talking about people who have responsible jobs where failure could be catastrophic. For example if you were an airline pilot, a surgeon, a bus or train driver. However, all these people learned “on the job” with mentors, and made mistakes, hopefully small ones, and gained confidence as they learned and became more experienced. They had hours of practice before they became qualified and were allowed to fly a plane, or operate on someone, and they would never have done this if they hadn’t made a few mistakes and overcome their fear of failure.
If you are learning something new and afraid of making mistakes, or recovering from “failure”, care for yourself as though you were helping a baby take his or her first steps.
Think how many times a toddler falls over before being able to walk. You don’t see the toddler berating himself or putting herself down because of falling down again! The toddler accepts that this is a normal part of his or her life just at this moment, and gets up and toddles on again. We must do the same.
- Make a point of being kind to yourself, you have to start somewhere.
- Don’t demand perfection – this is irrational – just do your best.
- Be happy with what you have achieved. At the end of the day I remember how much I have done, and allow myself to feel pleased instead of striving to do more work so I can “prove myself”.
- Congratulate yourself on small steps, be your own cheerleader.
- Surround yourself with good resource people and mentors if you can.
- Avoid working in isolation, we all need to share ideas and learn from each other. Talking to others about a project may help us avoid making a big mistake.
- Avoid being jealous of workmates or other significant people as jealousy can stop you from sharing ideas with others. (know yourself)You can watch others and copy their good example.
- If you do fail, and you will at some stage because everyone does, count this as a valuable learning experience, even though it may be painful at the time. Be grateful for it. But learn from this, and notice how you can improve on your performance for your next try.
- Put things in perspective – will you be worrying about this in 6 months’ time? If you think you have been dealt with unfairly, deal with it as best you can and then move on.
- As much as you can learn about optimism and resilience. They are not just ”buzz words” but vital for us all to acquire. Research has found that striving for something can be a satisfying and rewarding process in itself. That is, unless you put too much pressure on yourself to be the best. Do your personal best.
Some inspiring quotes about failure – from people who have got where they are by failing.
“Í honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate”. George Burns
“Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure” George Edward Woodberry.
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.” Ambrose Bierce.
“Failure happens all the time. It happens every day in practice. What makes you better is how you react to it.” Mia Hamm
“Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something.” Morihei Ueshiba
© K.R. Crawford 2017